Trying not to eat my emotions

WARNING: Trigger post.
This post contains some information about a rather traumatic experience. Some of the details my be hard for some to read.

It's Friday the 13th. You would think that today is the creepy day, the day for all bad things to happen. But I think yesterday was the bad day for me. Yesterday morning started like any other. I got up and made my morning protein shake. I high tailed it out the door because as usual, I am running late and super tired and just want to crawl back into bed. I drove to one of my schools to clock in for the day. I got back in the car and doubled back a little to get to the nearest safe gas station. I pumped some gas and got some coffee. This put me exiting the station going a slightly different direction then I usually drive, but no big deal. I start driving the back streets to downtown towards my office. I got within a few blocks down the street of my destination and out of the corner of my eye I see a poof of smoke and notice a red car has crashed into a pole about 1/4 mile ahead of me. As I approach, I instinctively pull over safely and call 911. I watch as I am waiting for the operator to take my call and see the driver door fly open and a thin woman falls out of the drivers door onto the sidewalk and starts screaming in pain. Then I see the passenger side window goes down and another woman falls out of the passenger window onto the street. She also starts screaming and trying to crawl away from the car. I finish my call to 911 and immediately rushed over to where the passenger is now on the same side of the road as I am with several bystanders. I summed her up quickly, no obvious signs of blood gushing, no obvious broken bones. I asked if there was anyone else in the car and she says "yes" but cant answer any of my other questions. As I walked over to the car, I noticed the front seat is pushed all the way forward and it appears the passenger who got out of the car came from the back seat, not the front seat. Now I think there may be someone in the front seat. To my horror, there is! There was no more then about 6-10" of space between the dash board and the back of the headrest. All I could see was the back of this woman's head. The airbag was covering her face. I could see her head moving and was afraid she was trying to move intentionally. So I immediately called 911 back and told them there was a trapped passenger. Then I focused on this woman. I put my hand on her head and reassured her that I was there. I patted her shoulder gently and told her not to move. I told her I have help on the way. The horn of the car was blaring and nothing anyone could to to shut it off. It was loud and nerve wracking. I was trying hard to keep my cool and asses what I could do to help this woman. I pushed the airbag out of the way and that allowed her to breathe a little better. I realized after a few minutes, she was not consciously trying to move, but her head was moving when she breathes. I continued to talk to her and comfort her just in case she can hear me. Just in case she is scared. Just in case she can feel something anything. But I hope and pray that she can't feel a thing. You see in all those long minutes, I noticed a few things. I can see this woman's head and partial face. I can see her right arm and appears she may have a broken finger on her right hand. Its what else I can see that is so disturbing and heart wrenching. I can see her feet, or a foot, but I think its both of them. They are up by her face. Yes, I see her head and feet all squished up against the dash and airbag. So I know that this woman is folded in half. I know that even though there is no blood, this woman is critically and probably fatally injured. And I pray that she cant feel a thing. You see, I am a medical professional. I understand body mechanics, physiology and anatomy. I know that the position this woman is in, it would be near impossible to survive the impact that she has clearly suffered. Someone behind me has said, lets get this woman out, lets get this door open. But I shouted back, NO.

We are leaving her right where she is. I know that anything we try to do, may make it worse. No one else needs to see a dying woman like this. So I continued to block other peoples view of the front seat as I was bent over the woman. I continued to talk to her and stroke her head and shoulder just in case she can hear me. I did this until the paramedics arrived in the first ambulance. As soon as the first paramedic gets out of his rig, I tell him that the woman has just stopped breathing. I told him she was breathing until just this moment when they arrived. She just stopped, just now. And I got out of the way so they could do their work. I directed the two people behind me to move away and let them work, there was nothing more I could do for her. [That is me in the long blue sweater bent over at passenger door]
I turned my attention to the driver who is still screaming and trying to get up. She clearly has an open fracture on her right ankle with tibia and fibula protruding. She wasn't making much sense. She could tell me her name, Pauline, but not much else. She couldn't tell me her friends name. She didn't know the back seat passenger either. She was just giving her a ride. By now there was only one ambulance and one fire truck and they were focused on trapped passenger because she was critical. I was surprised that they managed to get her out with out having to cut the car as initially thought, and immediately on the gurney they were performing full CPR and compressions as they wheeled her into the ambulance and drove away quickly. The driver was distraught as anyone would be in that situation. She was trying to crawl away and did not want to go to the hospital. It was quite chaotic trying to keep her calm so paramedics could now focus on getting her leg wrapped up and splinted and on a backboard. She became combative a little. Paramedics were quick and gentle with her. They got her onto backboard at which time I stepped away and now turned my attention to the other passenger who was across the street. She said her name was Porsche. She didn't know these ladies very well. She was asleep in the back seat and they were just giving her a ride. She was just trying to get home. Porsche had a significant gash on her right lower leg with bone exposed. She wasn't gushing blood and it was not clear if any bones were broken, but paramedics were able to finally attend to her and get her leg wrapped up. She also tried to become combative and wanted to leave as soon as her leg was bandaged. Paramedics persisted and she was put onto a backboard with head and neck stabilized and also loaded up into an ambulance. 
Once all 3 victims were loaded up, I could breathe again. There is nothing more I can do here. I didn't really see the accident. So I cant really give a statement other then to tell officers the condition of the woman in the front seat. The scene was finally beginning to clear. The first witness to the accident and I chatted briefly and exchanged stressed but compassionate looks as not many others can understand in that moment. I felt like I needed to do more, but there were police and firefighters and ambulances all around, so nothing more for me to do but leave. When I go to the office, one of my coworkers had driven by the scene and seen me there. She was so worried and had already alerted my supervisor where I was. They were worried for me and we talked about what happened in the work room. My co-workers are all health professionals like me. We are OT's and PT's so we have seen some pretty scary stuff in our careers. No one was grossed out, all were shocked and concerned for my well being. I tried to concentrate at work, but that wasn't happening so at lunch time, I left to get something to eat and didn't come back to work. I took the afternoon off for my own mental health. As I was driving away from the office, I passed the scene of the accident again and flagged down an officer who was there investigating. He could not give me an update on the trapped woman. I still don't know her name. He just said that there was an investigation now and that other investigators would be by to take pictures and interview witnesses. I got back in my car in front of the bank and a woman came out and spoke to me. She recognized me from earlier that morning at the accident scene. She and all her co-workers actually witnessed the accident from inside the bank. She informed me that another investigator had already been by the bank to interview witnesses and review any video the bank surveillance cameras might have caught of the accident. The investigator confirmed that the trapped front seat passenger had passed away. The driver was going to be charged for her death. I can't say that I was surprised. Based on what I witnessed and my experience, I knew there was little chance that this woman would survive. Still, it was even more gut wrenching. So I continued on to look for somewhere to get some lunch. I was getting hungry. I had exerted so much energy already this morning. I was headed toward my neighborhood but could not think of a good place for a keto compliant lunch. Where do I go? All I want right now is a piece of chocolate cake. Maybe I should turn around and head to the gluten free bakery. But that is too much sugar. I don't want to kick myself out of ketosis right now. Is this what emotional eating is like? Is this what people feel when they "eat their feelings"? OMGosh! Am I an emotional eater? Wow, the hungrier I get, the more I am craving chocolate and sugar. WOW. What is the quickest, easiest place I can order a keto compliant meal. Chipotle is safe. Lets go there. Its not close by, but I gotta do what I gotta do. So I head off to get some lunch. I asked for a bowl to go, no rice, fajita veggie, chicken with extra chicken and salsa and guacamole. "Do you want chips and a drink with that, ma'am?" the guy says. YES! OMG chips sound amazing! I really want chips! "No, thank you." I answered. I payed for my meal and exited as fast as I could. I know if I stay and eat here, that I will cave and get the chips. They smell so good. I got in my car and parked in a quiet spot in front of  DSW Shoe Warehouse. I ate my lunch in quiet. I am still craving sugar, but its a little better now that I have eaten something. I am looking at the shoe store and I think to myself I really need some new shoes and I have that birthday coupon. May as well. So I entered the store and about an hour later, exited with 2 new pairs of shoes. Well, at this point I have already texted my supervisor to let her know I wont be back to work today. I am taking the rest of the day off. So since I am never in this shopping complex, I decide to take advantage. I head on over to Hobby Lobby and wonder the isles looking at yarn... my other obsession. I could spend hours here, and I did. I spent the next 2 hours wondering up and down, touching and looking at yarn. I picked out a few things including a few bows for a friends baby girl. I would have liked to buy more, but really I already have all the yarn I need at home for my current projects and much much more. I did eat a bite of dark chocolate that was in the pantry. The small piece of chocolate bar when broken down by macros was still within my daily limit for carbs, fats and proteins. So while it has sugar, it was not enough to make a huge impact on my overall daily intake. I still wish it was a cupcake. But between the chocolate and the shake, I am holding my own and fighting the urges to cheat today. Besides, this weekend is my birthday. Remember my previous post. Birthdays are for celebrating and enjoying. So I am going to get my favorite gluten free pancakes at this little cafe up north of here for my birthday splurge. I am pretty sure that this pancake platter will totally kick me out of ketosis. So I am thinking about how to handle that. I may have to buckle down next week and keep more strictly to my calories and macros. I see a lot of protein shakes in my future. 
So I headed home to let the dogs out and prep dinner for the hubby since it is his late night and I had an appointment later. I enjoyed a few minutes of peace and quiet at home. I still craved chocolate, so I finally made a Primal Kitchen Chocolate Collagen shake to take the edge off. I prepped the steak and broccolini for dinner. I covered them and left it on the counter. I am determined to stick to the diet. As much as I want a cupcake right now, I am not going to give in to temptation. I cant help but let my mind wonder to all the foods that sound so good right now. Is this what it is like for food addicts? Am I a food addict? I don't understand this. It was a stressful day. But I got through it. I did a good deed, I am fine emotionally. Just a little stressed. Why do I keep thinking about food? Why cant I just bury myself in my crochet project until its time to leave for my appointment? 
 I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I just know that I am going to do my best to just chill out and relax. I feel like if I give in for this, then where does it stop? If I say its ok to cheat today, then what about tomorrow when I have a bad day at work and some parent or teacher yells at me for something I have no control over? What about when that guy in the loud car is racing down the street, almost hits me and then honks at me as though its my fault? There is always that guy! Always a crazy driver on the streets in my neighborhood. They get my blood boiling daily. What if there was a death in the family? What if? What if...??? There will always be something that stresses us out. We have become a very reactionary culture. Something bad happens, we eat. Something good happens, we eat. Holidays, we eat. We are not the only culture to eat for every occasion. Lots of other cultures do the same. So what is the difference? Why are Asian cultures typically healthier then Americans? Because they eat healthier foods. So what does this mean for me today. It means I have to work that much harder under stress to break this habit of turning to unhealthy foods when stress happens. I feel like I succeeded today. At least mostly.

SoI knew I needed to process this incident in a healthy way. I have been trying to get motivated to work on the meditation exercises that my nutritionist has been recommending. So by happy coincidence I had already scheduled a Reiki and meditation session with a friend in the neighborhood for yesterday evening. It was a wonderful productive session. I will have to share that experience in a new blog post. 

If you are still reading this, then I want to say thank you. I know this was a difficult post to read. It was even harder for me to write. So thank you. Thank you for your support on this journey. 

I would like to send a special Thank you to my dear friend, Wes Texas who wrote a blog about this incident and a similar experience that he and his lovely bride went through. Thank you Wes! Love you like a brother from another mother! If you would like to read his blog you can find it here at  Desert Hot Air.


God bless you all and keep you safe.
Cece

To the woman who passed away in this vehicle on 4/12/2018 around 9:15 am. May God heal your wounds, wipe your tears and welcome you through the glorious gates of Heaven. May God show mercy, grace and forgiveness for the driver of this vehicle, Pauline who was intoxicated. I pray that Pauline will know God's grace and feel his love and forgiveness so that she can forgive herself for this terrible tragedy. Sending love and light to all 3 women, their families and the first responders and good Samaritans who were all involved in this scene today.